Tuesday, 26 April 2016

*breathy Marilyn-esque whisper* Participate with me, Mr President

You ready?
1. Kilo Kish. Music videos. New Album out. This interview in ILY Mag. Beautiful. I like the way these videos end so abruptly. It's slightly jarring.
2. More fitting room selfies. The only photos I really take anymore. After buying a pair of shorts I think I own a piece of Adidas clothing for just about every part of me? Kind of. Am I Stormzy yet??? 
3. Reading. I actually finished White Girls a couple of days ago and it's everything. It's everything. I'd really love to write like that. Hilton Als, you're a genius. I bought PAPER even though  it had Lena Dunham on the front and I'm not really about her. My favourite interviews were the one between Leandra Medine & Diane von Furstenberg, and the one with Jacob Bernstein (Nora Ephron's son). Lessons learned from them: You need to communicate with people to write authentically. You can turn the bad things that happen to you into art. Now reading Olivia Laing's The Lonely City. Which is fascinating and moving. Also, I still carry Good Morning, Midnight around with me.
4. I bought a lipstick. Just trying a ting. It's got me some compliments. It doubles as blusher. Well, for me it does. Blush? I don't know make-up. I learned what correcter is today.
5. Planning to fangirl-stalk Pres. Obama with my friend while he was on UK visit. Had to go work instead. Damn you, large department store I cannot name on here! Damn you!

img sources: stills from Kilo Kish music videos. All other photos are mine

Friday, 22 April 2016

There's a Hunger

Diary Entry:

Went to bed around 3. Up at 7. Was crying. Prince, of course. Feeling... desperate to grieve. Now feel sick. Then again, always feel sick and somewhat "delicate2 this early in the morning. Bookmarked so many articles/think pieces/obits on Prince. My stomach just churned as I wrote that. Was thinking about grief and consumption. When I found out in the record store with friend, walked past a bar which had already changed it's chalk sign board to advertise a Prince-inspired drink. The sheer amount of stuff relating to the dead person that we are so anxious to consume upon their death. Articles, playlists, documentaries, quotes, books, other products. Gorge gorge gorge. Saturate the world with this and eventually we'll be sated. Not even in a cynical way. In some ways it's beautiful even it's clamouring desperation and hysteria. I'm a fan girl, I understand that. But I can't help but nervously anticipate they day we wake up and everyone's moved on. David Bowie was everywhere, now he isn't really anywhere. Prince is everywhere. In tweets, in essays, in street parties, in the purple skylines of American cities. How long will it be before he isn't everywhere? I couldn't bring myself to say nowhere. It's too "fresh". The dead celebrity hero grief banquet has just begun but it's already overwhelming. Regurgitating old meals: David Bowie, MJ. Gobble up Prince until I'm full. The sickness I feel now is actually hunger. 

I promise I love you, Prince Rogers Nelson.

img source: GQ

Thursday, 21 April 2016

no more boring art

Monday, 18 April 2016

So I'll Never Be Kerry Washington?! Well, okay.

Photo:Jeff Vespa/Getty Images for Baby2Baby
Why am I not Kerry Washington? She's so beautiful it's unreal. I can't even be bothered to get my eyebrows done. I eventually had to do them myself by putting Veet on the end of a cotton bud and praying my hand would stay steady. Caterpillar bye bye.

I found myself looking up Kerry Washington's height and weight. Ugh. Very bad. Very unhealthy. I know. She is also much more than stats. I never could understand how people could be motivated enough by their envy of celebrities to really do something about it. You know, get a certain hairstyle, try a certain diet, buy that dress. Envy? Admiration? Vicarious living? Kerry Washington makes me want to buy a better foundation. Kerry Washington makes me want to get a gym membership. Surface level stuff. Kerry Washington also makes me want to be more graceful. She also makes me want to sit down and think of what causes I really care about and want to advocate more publicly for. Not surface level stuff. But...to actually do all these things? I have bought a lipstick. My nails are black. My eyebrows have been tamed slightly. Still working on that advocacy thing. Not really working on that gym thing. Riding a Boris bike at 2am this morning through Brick Lane and crashing into 2 bollards and a lamppost...let's not even talk about grace.

Hmmm. Interesting. This 'Why am I not [insert name here]?' thing. I don't know. Making excuses? Instead of doing things, just going 'Ugh! If only I were Kerry Washington/Kevin Spacey/Jeff Goldblum/Amandla Stenberg. If only I were those people, and not myself, I would be better. If only I were slimmer. If only I were rich. Why am I not slimmer? Why the hell am I not rich?!

[Again, reminds me of Sasha in Good Morning, Midnight. 'If I had been wearing [that dress] I should never have stammered or been stupid'.] 

Wishing you were someone you admire, trying to be more like someone you admire, as a way of becoming a better version of yourself? Why am I not Tavi Gevinson? Prodigy. Why am I not both Willow and Jaden Smith? Laid back and self-aware at early age.  Why am I not Conan O'Brien? 6 ft 4, eccentric, ginger, and freckled?? No. Creative comedy genius. Obviously. Why am I not Andy Richter? He also makes me want to sit and think about my beliefs and values. Hmm. I wonder who these people used to or still lament that they aren't? I wonder how that informed who they are now?
@ all of the people above: interview at my house? My mum will make plantain? 

So. Why am I not Kerry Washington? Because I'm not. And I can't be. Oh. Okay. But. What is it about Kerry Washington that makes me wish I were her. What is it about Conan O'Brien, Jeff Goldblum, Tavi Gevinson, Kevin Spacey? Emulating those attributes could help me become who I want to be. And it's worked before. I wanted to get super serious about writing. The work, as well as the life stories, advice, and personalities of Conan, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Andy Richter, Mindy Kaling, Jessica Williams, made me realise I needed to write every single day. And when I met Conan nearly 2 years ago now, I remember thinking, 'Oh! You are a real person! You're a real person whose been doing this for over 20 years. You're a real person who works so hard to make good comedy and that's why am I here fawning over you, embarrassing myself, and wanting to be you! Oh, oh oh!' And I went home, and I started writing and I've been writing every day since. So... it works. Working, not wishing, works. And I'm not going to morph into my lanky hero any time soon, or ever in fact. And if I made an effort to emulate some of the things that made me admire her, I wouldn't wake up and find I'd always been Kerry Washington all along. 

I think I would grow into a person I like. A person who doesn't make excuses for her inaction and lack of progress by moaning 'Why am I not [insert name here]?!' A person who understands fully that these positive characteristics that the people you admire have, are not unique to them. Who understands they're not archetypes of conscientiousness, kindness, courage, intelligence, self awareness etc, like Plato's forms, of which I can only participate in. They developed these things too, perhaps sometimes spurred on by seeing those qualities in people they admire as well. 

So. I will never be Kerry Washington. Okay. And I am slightly devastated that I will never ever be Jeff Goldblum, but okay. I am, however, going to continue to be inspired into action by some of the things these people do and the way these people are, to be (sorry for the cheese) a great me. I don't have to be one of you to have a place amongst you! I'm coming, just you wait and see. And we'll meet and clink glasses and maybe by then I'll be better at small talk, and I'll come on your shows if you have one, and you'll say I'm a kind, conscientious, really hard working person. And it'll be true. 

Ohhh, but can you imagine being Jeff Goldblum?!  Okay,okay.