Many bottles of Supermalt in celebration. Well done, 500 days of writing in a row. What does that mean? That you are disciplined. That this is the life, the vocation for you. Or it just means you managed to write 500 days in a row and only that. Number seemed so big as I was approaching it. Now seems like nothing. Debates via text: is young Alain Delon not the one of the cutest people you've ever seen? He looks so emo. Are you silly? How does he look emo? He looks beautiful. He's beautiful. Scroll down. Ache with the frustration. Delete a hundred selfies. Spot a picture that looks like young Christoph Waltz. Is that young Christoph Waltz? No! It can't be! But it looks like him so much. Scroll past without clicking to verify because I'm not actually that bothered about it, but for a second I think the words 'continental European look'. Think about that girl at school, (and the fact that I call uni school). I think about Anna Karenina singing Roller Girl. Think about the stick up my butt and the tension in my shoulders. 'Take a chill pill.' And why do I fancy all these white people so much? (Do people still even use the word fancy?)
Trips up north. Almost north. Midlands. Table tennis, pool and air hockey. And good wine. Wine so good I fall asleep before I wanted to. Can't sleep though. Not properly. Haven't shared a bed in ages. Awake eyes closed thinking its 7am when it's only two. Silent scream. 8 more hours are you serious?
Thinking. How to write. Don't have the tools. The words. For what I want to say. Audre Lorde: 'For what do you not have words yet?' What is it I want to say?? Making excuses? No. I'm just scared. Audre Lorde: 'What's the worst that could happen if you tell this truth?'
Letters and diaries. White men, again. Always. Ugh. Mailer. Kennedy. Thompson. Vonnegut. Write my own. Because it's nice. And also for posterity. Because I'm arrogant like that. I am a Leo after all. Undelete selfies, print some out, and write 'godlike' underneath one? Bitch, I love you for that. I love you, Lem.
imgs 1. John 'Jack' Fitzgerland Kennedy and Kirk Lemoyne 'Lem' Billings 2. Lem Billings